The Sparrow

“Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise, when songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies, I draw closer to Him; from care He sets me free; His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me…” Civilla Martin

First, its pure coincidence that my titles thus far have been lyrical in nature.

Second, I’m actually going to address the sparrow profile image, which will ultimately address a personal revelation.  Here goes…

I’m going to get a sparrow tattoo.  A sparrow tattoo is associated with freedom, undying love and commitment to a single person. For me, all three meanings apply.  Spiritually, a sparrow means unforgotten worth and serves as an escort of souls from our world to heaven.

Deep huh? I’ve been pretty dark and deep lately.

I lost the baby.

Just typing that hurts me immensely. If you think that revealing that information on here is crude…I don’t care.  What I’m going through and the hardships of my life…its mine to bear and I’m doing what I can to help me move forward. 

::sigh::

Talking aloud is not an option for me. At least, not now.  I couldn't even make the calls to my parents. I informed one of my brothers and I can’t do it again. This post..yeah..the best I can do.

To answer the basic questions that have formed in your mind:

·         He was approximately 4 months.

·         No, the baby wasn’t identified as a boy; it was not identified as a girl either.  To me, the baby was a boy. 

·         They do not know the cause of death. They don’t usually know, whenever this occurs.

·         Yes, I had to have the baby surgically removed.

·         I found out when I came in for a routine maternity OB appointment and the ultrasound could not pick up the baby’s heartbeat.

Of all the fearful sounds in the world, I never thought that the absent sound of his heartbeat would cause me the most terror.

Needless to say, I mourned and I closed myself up.  I wish I didn't because I think women should discuss miscarriages and uncontrolled abortions.  Thinking what I should do, didn't move me to actually do what I should do.  Does that make sense? In nutshell, I was senseless.  I couldn't understand why everything I feared happened to me.  Actually…to be honest to myself…I couldn't accept this tragedy as mine when I felt that I had my fair share of horrible incidents.  Yet, it did happen and even though I thought I couldn't survive it…I am surviving it. Just don’t ask me to talk about it….yet.  

On here, discuss away! You may be able to help me walk further down my journey and I would appreciate that alot. 

I thank my family and few friends that know and have extended their love and prayers.

So the sparrow…

Reminds me of the baby, who has my undying love…

and who was carried away by the sparrow to heaven, into permanent freedom.

~Melany

*Thanks for reading Care Bears