“Whenever I
am tempted, whenever clouds arise, when songs give place to sighing, when hope
within me dies, I draw closer to Him; from care He sets me free; His eye is on
the sparrow, and I know he watches me…” Civilla Martin
First, its
pure coincidence that my titles thus far have been lyrical in nature.
Second, I’m
actually going to address the sparrow profile image, which will ultimately address
a personal revelation. Here goes…
I’m going to
get a sparrow tattoo. A sparrow tattoo
is associated with freedom, undying love and commitment to a single person. For
me, all three meanings apply. Spiritually,
a sparrow means unforgotten worth and serves as an escort of souls from our
world to heaven.
Deep huh? I’ve
been pretty dark and deep lately.
I lost the
baby.
Just typing
that hurts me immensely. If you think that revealing that information on here
is crude…I don’t care. What I’m going
through and the hardships of my life…its mine to bear and I’m doing what I can
to help me move forward.
::sigh::
Talking
aloud is not an option for me. At least, not now. I couldn't even make the calls to my parents. I
informed one of my brothers and I can’t do it again. This post..yeah..the best I can do.
To answer
the basic questions that have formed in your mind:
·
He
was approximately 4 months.
·
No,
the baby wasn’t identified as a boy; it was not identified as a girl
either. To me, the baby was a boy.
·
They
do not know the cause of death. They don’t usually know, whenever this occurs.
·
Yes,
I had to have the baby surgically removed.
·
I
found out when I came in for a routine maternity OB appointment and the
ultrasound could not pick up the baby’s heartbeat.
Of all the
fearful sounds in the world, I never thought that the absent sound of his
heartbeat would cause me the most terror.
Needless to
say, I mourned and I closed myself up. I
wish I didn't because I think women should discuss miscarriages and
uncontrolled abortions. Thinking what I
should do, didn't move me to actually do what I should do. Does that make sense? In nutshell, I was
senseless. I couldn't understand why everything I feared
happened to me. Actually…to be honest to
myself…I couldn't accept this tragedy
as mine when I felt that I had my fair share of horrible incidents. Yet, it did happen and even though I thought
I couldn't survive it…I am surviving it. Just don’t ask me to talk about it….yet.
On here, discuss away! You may be able to
help me walk further down my journey and I would appreciate that alot.
I thank my
family and few friends that know and have extended their love and prayers.
So the
sparrow…
Reminds me
of the baby, who has my undying love…
and who was
carried away by the sparrow to heaven, into permanent freedom.
~Melany
*Thanks for
reading Care Bears
